I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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