i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You pole danced in your parka.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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