My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
