i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
