The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
