FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
