my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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