You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This is the high leading the old right now
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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