Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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