only you would photoshop your dick
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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