I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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