just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
