I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
