Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
