I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
