fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
