oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
