We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
