omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
