I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
