don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
