Plan B is the new Plan A
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
