Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
