Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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