Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
