I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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