I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize