so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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