he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
