I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
