Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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