My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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