I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
