please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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