Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
