Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
