apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
please come you make the beer taste better
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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