The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
