I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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