the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
