if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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