Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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