Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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