please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
