I feel like I'm in dance class right now
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
