By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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