last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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