pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
