Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
