i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
