my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
