dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
