I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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